Home' Forge : Vol 1 No 3 Contents 160 // HUMOUR
To win the jobs of the future, it is
important to know how to sell yourself.
When trying to become a Chief
Sympathetic Listening Offcer, Badass
Brand Experience Evangelist, Senior
Road Warrior Marketing Intern, Chief
Thought-Provoker or Vice President of
Proactive People-Herding, it is essential
that you have a well-prepared cover
letter. Here is one I came across that
particularly impressed me.
Igor Slithershanks, applicant for the
position of Senior Quality Assurance
To whom it may concern,
I have been a Middle Management
Magician for 15 years, during which time
I have performed every task to my entire
satisfaction. Once, I inadvertently did a
hard day's work, but I did not let it go to my
head because I am exceptionally humble as
well as brilliant.
Aged 48, I was born in Nhill and have been 48
ever since. After a diffcult childhood as a tea
cosy, I went to the local Special School for the
Extremely Annoying, where I was awarded
a Rhodes scholarship to please just go away.
Seizing my chance, I completed a master's
degree at Oxford University in personal
hygeine, majoring in underarm deodorants. I
was able to say 'no' to drugs, mainly because
I was too busy saying 'yes please' to a vodka
and coke. I have never read Adam Smith's
The Wealth of Nations or indeed any book
involving words of more than two syllables. I
am very fond of debating contests and, when
they are over, I like to sing Cold Chisel songs,
make unsuccessful amorous advances and
dance on the top of tables. I would probably get
even more excited if I ever actually won.
Hopefully Igor will get that future
position. Here are a few business
defnitions that might have a future.
Alice in Wonderland. A famous book
describing modern-day accounting
practices. Our story begins with Alice, who
lives in a corporation called Wonderland.
One day, while she is leveraging her
human capital assets with respect to
ongoing productivity improvements in
regards to properly annotated footnotes
to the accounts with a view to achieving
the relevant off-balance-sheet performance
objectives and deliverables, she comes
across a caterpillar.
‘Who are you?’ asks the caterpillar.
‘I am a human capital asset leveraging my
ongoing productivity improvements in
regards to properly annotated footnotes to
the accounts with a view to achieving the
relevant off-balance-sheet performance
objectives and deliverables,' replies Alice,
‘Oh, so you are a slug-like creature like
myself?’ says the caterpillar, thinking
that this must be a great networking
opportunity and rummaging around
for a business card.
‘Pretty much. But I do not have
as many legs,’ says Alice, looking
Compliance monitoring. An important
part of what company boards do. It is
important because when shareholders
ask directors about their compliance
monitoring system, they can say:
a) we have one
c) one day, we really should fnd out
what compliance monitoring is.
Computer problems. As any IT
technician will tell you, most computer
problems are really quite simple.
Normally, it is just a case of the
mooparkle not being connected properly
to the digital mosscross, which is
affecting the crundswell and stopping
the sump in the harkle from fandangling
properly with the gog. When the gog
is not harkling as it should be, then
the puzel will often start sputtering
violently, and that will mean either that
the sacromancy is not waxplaxing as it
should, or the Socceroos have no chance
of qualifying for the next World Cup. I
trust that helps.
Cost cutting. Perhaps the most effective
way for managers to demoralise their
staff and damage their products.
Probably why it is so popular.
Death. The best excuse for not working
Free lunch. ‘There is no such thing
as a free lunch' is a central maxim in
economics. It is also quite useful in the
Leadership training. Two parts humbug,
three parts can't and one part paint remover.
Legs. When your boss tells you that you
don't have a leg to stand on, point out that
that is because you have two. It may help.
Misleading or deceptive conduct.
Something that companies are almost
never guilty of. To mislead someone you
have to know what the truth is in the
Percentage of funds under
management. A scam used by fund
managers for taking other people’s
money, so that they can then take even
more of other people's money.
Political debates. An interchange with two
sides: those who agree with us, and the
losers. It is important that the exchanges at
all times are full, open and pointless.
Psychometric tests. A method for selecting
employees. Multiple-choice questions are
preferred. Here is an example:
What is your best quality? Is it:
b) 35 per cent
c) The World Trade Organisation
d) The Dodo.
In other words... BY DAVID JAMES
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