Home' Forge : Vol 1 No 4 Contents 128 // HUMOUR
At the end of a hard working
year, it is important to
rigorously examine one's
productivity output, one's
peerless commitment to the
company's ongoing mission,
and one's high-quality
professional relations with
fellow staff members.
Right, that is quite enough of that.
In the of season, it is always a good idea to
consider some rather of defnitions. It helps
to pass the time. Here are some of those.
Angel investors. Funders who like to
give the businesses in which they invest
a hell of a time.
ASIC. Australia’s corporate cop, which,
after a great deal of time and managerial
efort, has been returned to its rightful
position of total irrelevancy.
Brainstorming session. A meeting
in which the only thing that people
are listening to is the sound of their
Corporate management. All heat and
light, minus the heat. And the light.
Crowdfunding. An opportunity to
prove that the ‘wisdom of crowds’ is a
lovely idea that might very well be true
Family business. Family businesses are
happy, harmonious afairs because all
families are blissful, idyllic places where
no-one ever says a cross word to anyone
else, and everyone gets on superbly as
they gambol about beneath the rainbows
whispering sweet nothings in each
other ’s ears while stroking Bambi. The
frst family business was created by the
caveman Fred Crunk, who made sure
he passed it on to his son by beating him
over the head until he was no longer
breathing, adding a few extra whacks for
good measure. Unfortunately, this was not
especially efective because it is difcult
to inherit a business when you’re not
alive. However, with a bit of fne-tuning,
succession planning in family businesses
greatly improved over time. There were,
however, still problems:
• Crunk: We must pass on this
business to our kids, Sheila.
• Mrs Crunk: We haven’t got any
• Crunk: I knew I was paying too
much in child support.
Fear. Financial advisers like to tell
their clients that the only thing they
have to fear is fear itself. Obviously,
the clients don’t know much about
Financial advisers. People whose
responsibility towards the customer
is often noticed, never remembered.
Advisers should always be watched very
closely, because if they are not, they will
make money without you.
Gross interest. Gross interest has two
very signifcant and important, if not
• it is gross
• it is interest.
For these reasons, it should be carefully
• non-gross interest
• a pile of unwashed socks, in
assorted sizes and colours, which
are just gross
• the Melbourne Football Club, which
is a complete bunch of losers, really.
I hope that has made things a little clearer.
Gravesite. The only truly foolproof long-
Investment strategy. The magical
process by which you set out with a
small amount of capital, invest it skilfully
in a fully diversifed portfolio of carefully
selected diferent asset classes, watch
their value rise to stratospheric levels,
brilliantly anticipate the market’s next
movements by repositioning yourself,
then sit back as it all returns to the small
amount of capital you started with.
Middle classes. Something that
developed economies can no longer
aford to have.
Musical interludes. In today’s stressed
and pressurised workforce, taking
some time out to listen to a little
music can make all the diference. For
example, Beethoven’s Concerto for Bass
Carrot and Goat’s Cheese is a delicious
little ofering, certain to relax people in
even the most troubled of situations.
Mozart’s Symphony for Aubergine and
Sick Parrots is also a nice little number,
not to be missed.
Shareholder meetings. An opportunity
for senior management to demonstrate
its overarching commitment to
democracy and accountability by
promising to get around to it one day.
Technology. People who believe that
technology is their friend are very strongly
advised never to get any enemies.
Wall Street. Many people believe this
is a place where sociopaths go to feel at
home. They are wrong, of course. The
sociopaths go to the strip clubs just next
to Wall Street to feel at home.
In other words...
BY DAVID JAMES
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